Everyone wants to be a crackpot these days. After all, it is always the crackpots that change the world, and they do it by changing themselves first – into crackpots. Here are the tools you need to lose that pesky reality you’ve been carrying around like luggage.
1. Listen to yourself: Have you been complaining about High Fructose Corn Syrup and then eating it 8 times a day? Or more? Ah, ignoring the label is not an excuse. If you say something that you don’t believe, you’re probably lying. Now, that’s not very nice, is it?
2. Give yourself a break: Now that you know you are full of shit like the rest of humanity, give yourself some latitude. After all, it is not your fault that you were born into a vehicle that runs on auto pilot most of the time. You might even feel some compassion for your fellow bipedal mindjobs.
3. Imagine what it would be like to tell the truth: You say you’ll be there by 6:15. You arrive at 6:10. You say you’ll lose 5 pounds this year. You loose 9 pounds. You say you’ll learn French. You live in Paris for six months just to be safe. You say you’ll pay me back. You do. Sweet!
4. Always speak of only the things you know: The boogey man is gonna get me? Oh yeah? Has he ever got you? Have you even met the guy? Well, then. Tell me something you actually know. And how is it that you know that you know? I thought you admitted in step two that we’re all full of shit. Which leads to:
5. Forget that all of the above is impossible: Have you ever tried to smell your own nose? Didn’t work very well, did it? Well, try… um… braining your own brain. Then, hook up your usb web cam, open the video window, and point the camera at the monitor. Whoa dude, trippy. But if you can’t see your own eyes and hear your own ears, who is thinking all of your thoughts? Someone is being you, dude.
Becoming a crackpot is easy, and you can get there sooner than you think. Don’t want to be a crackpot? Well, just think: If everyone you know is a crackpot, then you’re a crackpot by not being a crackpot! So, don’t miss out on this once in a lifetime opportunity to get in on the ground floor of something big.
